One Joel Osteen joke is about a woman who went on a date with a 92-year-old man. Upon arriving home, she told her daughter she slapped her date three times. The daughter asked if the man got fresh, and the woman responded she slapped him because she thought he died.
Another one of Pastor Joel Osteen’s jokes discusses a parrot who attempts to warn a burglar that Jesus is watching him as he steals from a home. The burglar asks the parrot who he is, and the bird responds that his name is Moses. When the burglar asks the parrot what kind of crazy people named him Moses, the parrot tells him that the same kind of people that named him Moses named their 150-pound dog Jesus.
Osteen incorporates humorous, clean jokes into his sermons at Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas. In 2013, Don Pasco, a Christian writer, published several of Osteen’s jokes in a book he titled “Joel Osteen Jokes – Collection of Joel Osteen’s Funniest Short, Clean Jokes.” However, Lakewood Church never authorized the publication of the book, and the nondenominational megachurch subsequently reviewed the book’s content for copyright violations.
Pastor Osteen’s wife, Victoria Osteen, serves alongside him as co-pastor of Lakewood Church, as of 2015. Over 43,500 people attend services at the church every week.
I heard about this kindergarten teacher.
She wanted to teach her students about self esteem.
She said to her class
“Everyone who thinks you are dumb, please stand up.”
She didn’t think anybody would stand
and she’d make the point how no one was dumb.
But about that time little Jonny stood up.
She didn’t quite know what to do.
“Now Jonny do you really think that you’re dumb?”
He said “No Maam,
I just hate to see you standing there
All by yourself.”
This was sent to me (Joel) from a senior citizen’s home. It’s about this 84-year-old woman. She’d gotten out of shape and knew she needed to start exercising. So she decided to join an aerobics class for seniors. And the first day, she bent and twisted and gyrated back and forth, jumped up and down, perspired for over an hour. But she said by the time she got her leotards on the class was over. *****
I heard about this Mother, One Sunday morning she went into her son’s bedroom and she said, “Son, wake up. It’s time to go to church.” He kinda groaned and rolled over and said, “No Mom, I’m not going to church today.” She said, “What do you mean you’re not going? Why not?” He said, “Mom, I’ll give you two good reasons. Number one, I don’t like those people. And number two, they don’t like me.” She said, “Son, that’s no excuse. I’ll give you two Better reasons why you SHOULD go. Number one, you’re fifty-nine years old and number two, you’re the Pastor.” *****
I heard about this kindergarten teacher. She was walking around her classroom as her students drew pictures. She noticed this one little girl drawing so intently she asked her what she was drawing. The little girl said she was drawing a picture of God. The teacher kind of laughed. She said, “Oh Honey nobody really knows what God looks like. The little girl without missing a beat said, “They will in a minute.” *****
I heard about this lady that was shopping with her husband. He had asked her to not buy any new clothes. Well, she saw this dress in the window and decided to try it on. She liked it so much, she bought it in secret. A couple of days later the husband discovered it and he was so upset. And she explained to him that when she tried it on it looked so good that Satan tempted her to buy it and she just couldn’t resist it. He said, “Well, why didn’t you do what the scripture says and say “get behind me Satan?” She said, “I did and he told me it looked even better from a distance.” *****
I heard about this elderly lady. She came into church one Sunday morning and a friendly usher greeted her and said, “Ma’am where would you like to sit?” She said, “I would like to sit in the very front row.” And he said, “Oh no Ma’am, you don’t want to do that. Our Pastor is very boring. He’ll put you to sleep. Let me seat you somewhere else.” She was appalled. She said, “Sir, do you know who I am?” He said, “no.” She said, “I am the Pastor’s Mother.” He hung his head in embarrassment and finally he looked up and said, “Ma’am, do you know who I am.” She said, “no.” He said, “Thank God
A man is sitting in a dark restaurant, waiting for his food, the tables are rather close and in an effort to make some communication, he turns to the lady at the next table and asks if she would like to hear “blonde” joke and she responds that Before you do let me tell you, I am a blonde, I am 6 feet tall and a bodybuilding champion. Next, to me, you probably can’t see, is another blonde, she is 6’2 and is a roller derby player of the year 6 years in the running and the lady next to her is also blonde, 6’5” and is the world martial arts women’s champion. So I ask you sir, do you still want to tell your blonde joke?
For a second or two he thought and then replied, “No, I don’t really want to have to explain it three times.”
Three pastors went fishing one day and as they sat out in the middle of the lake, one of the pastors suggested that while they were out there on the lake, with no one around, maybe they should bare their souls a bit with each other, confess to something they struggle with that no one else knows and then they can each pray for each other.
They all agreed though the 3rd pastor seemed to be a little apprehensive,
The pastor who made the suggestion went first since it was his idea, and confessed to his fellow pastors that he had a gambling problem and would sometimes sneak out of his house and drive to the next county where a gaming boat was and he would gamble through the night.
The pastor who sat in the middle of the boat went next and confessed to his fellow pastors that he cheated, he had always had a problem with cheating, cheating in school, cheating his taxes, even cheating when counting the collections each Sunday, pulling some aside for himself each Sunday.
The first two pastors then turned to the third one, who was staring at the bottom of the boat and was fidgeting nervously.
“Well?” they asked, “What is your vice, your struggle?”
He would not answer, he was looking sheepishly at them as they asked again to reveal his personal struggle when he suddenly blurted out, “I’m a gossip and I can’t wait to get this boat back to shore so I can tell someone!!!”